How I can communicate better with my child?
Teens not noted for their communication skills, especially their parents and other adults who love them. Emily Hutchison, a Texas high school teacher, said that youngsters in the early years of adolescence "often feel they can communicate much better with anyone, provided they are not their parents-even wonderful parents." "They tend to be very reserved," says Patricia Lemons, a middle school teacher in New Mexico. "I do not necessarily want to tell what they did at school today."
Many psychologists have found that when parents know where their children and what they are doing (and when the adolescent knows the parent knows, what psychologists call monitoring), adolescents are less likely to have bad experiences including drugs, alcohol and snuff use, sexual activity and pregnancy, crime and violence. The key, according to psychologists, is to be inquisitive but not interfering, working to respect the privacy of your child to establish trust and closeness.
Sometimes the less you offer advice, the more they are going to ask your teen.
is easier to communicate with a teenager when these habits have developed since childhood. As school counselor Carol explains Bleifield, "You do not suddenly and asks his son in seventh grade, 'What did you do with your friends on Friday night?" "But it is impossible to improve communication when your child reaches adolescence. Here we give some Tips:
- Realize that no recipe exists for successful communication. What works for getting one child to talk about what is important, not always work with another. A high school teacher and mother of two says her daughter is very open and talkative, his son is more quiet. But as your child enjoys music, likes to write and read, often accompanied his mother to the local bookstore. There, in a comfortable place for him, that the child shares her stories and characters as a link to what he is thinking and feeling. When listening to music with him and review his literary works when he allows it, this mother encourages conditions that encourage the child to share with her.
- Listen. "You need to spend some time without talking," suggests Diane Crim, a middle school teacher in Utah. To listen means to avoid stop and pay attention. This is best done in a quiet place without distractions. It is also hard to listen carefully if you are cooking or watching television. Often the simple act of talking with your child about a problem or an issue helps to clarify things. Sometimes the less you offer advice, the more they are going to ask your teen. Listening can be the best way to uncover a serious problem requiring immediate attention.
- Create opportunities to talk. To communicate with your child, you must be available. Young adolescents resist the talks "scheduled", they do not open up when you tell them to, but when they want. Some teenagers like to talk when they get home from school. Others prefer to talk on the desk, or before going to bed. Some parents talk to their children in the car, preferably when the radio, tapes and CDs are not. "I take my daughter to the mall, not the one we have close, but more 'cool' which is an hour and a half away," says a middle school teacher who is also a mother. The best conversations grow out of activities shared. "Parents try to take advantage of odd moments and hope to have a deep communication with the child," notes Sherry Tipps, a teacher in Arkansas. "Then they get frustrated when they do not."
- Talk about your differences. Communication breaks down for some parents because they find it difficult to manage differences with their children. It is easier to limit the effect of these differences when you put in place clear expectations. If her 13-year-old knows he must be home by 9:30 pm, and knows the consequences of late, "the likelihood that she will be home on time increases.
Communication vanishes for some parents because they find it hard to manage differences with their children.
Differences of opinion are easier to manage when we recognize that these differences can provide important opportunities to assess the limits and negotiate new ones, a skill that is valuable for your child. For example, when your daughter is 14 years, might be good to give the opportunity to arrive later on special occasions. These negotiations are possible given the development of cognitive skills of his daughter and his ability to reason and consider many possibilities and prospects. Since she can consider your curfew should be later in weekends than on weekdays, if you insist that "it does not matter" will only create more conflict.
When differences arise, share your concerns with your child firmly but calmly warns that the differences become during the war. It is more useful to explain why a poor choice that your child has taken or wants to take: "If you take an algebra class will cut off lots of opportunities in the future. Many universities do not accept you if you have two years of algebra , plus geometry and trigonometry. Rather, let's get you some help with algebra. "
- Do not overreact. If you react too strong it is likely that what follows are just shouting and accusations that conversation. "Try to keep out of the conversation your anxiety and emotions, then young people will have a conversation," advises the eighth-grade teacher Anne Jolly from Alabama. Instead of reacting with anger, she says, "It is better to ask, 'What do you think about what you did? Let's talk about it'."
Middle school teacher Charles Summers adds, "Kids are more apt to share with someone they know will not divulge his secrets or bother too much if they will confess something. If your child says, 'I have something to say. On Friday I tried beer, ' and you lose your temper, you probably will not say anything again. "
During this period in which they judge themselves critically, adolescents are very vulnerable when they open with their parents. We know that best way to encourage a behavior is rewarded. If you are critical when your teenager talks to you, what he sees is that his openness gets punished rather than rewarded.
- Talk about things that are important for your teen. Each youngsters like to talk about different things. Some of the things they talk about may not seem important, but, as Carol explains Bleifield school counselor, "With kids, sometimes it is a whole different culture. You have to understand this, try to put in place and in his time. "But he also warns that we should not feign interest in something that bores you. By asking questions and listening, you show your child that you respect their feelings and opinions. These are some of the topics that interest them at this age:
. School. If you ask, "What did you do in school today?" the most likely answer is, "Nothing." Obviously, you know that's not true. In considering the assignment book or reading the notes that the child brings home, you will notice that on Tuesday, the 10 year old will begin studying the Hazard animal species in South America, or the football game is scheduled for Friday night. With this information at hand, you may ask your child about specific classes or activities, which will result in a better start to the conversation.
. Hobbies and personal interests. If your child loves sports, talk about your favorite team or watch the World Series or the Olympics together. Most adolescents are interested in music. Barbara Braithwaite, a middle school teacher in Pennsylvania notes that "Music is the signature of every generation. The music defines each age group. Parents must at least know the names of popular singers. "However, it is very important that you communicate clearly with your child if you think the music you hear is inappropriate, and explain why. If you keep silent, he can be interpreted as approval.
"Music is the signature of every generation. The music defines each age group. Parents ought to at least know the names of popular singers. "
. Emotions. As noted above, adolescents are very concerned for several reasons. They worry about: their friends, popularity, sexuality, being overweight or thin, the math test, grades, getting into college, being abandoned and the future of the world. And the list never ends. It is sometimes difficult to discern whether a problem is something important for your child. School counselor Carol Bleifield says that when you're unsure, she asks, "Is this a small problem, medium or large? How important is it for you? How often do you care?" In deciphering the magnitude and importance of the problem you can decide how to address.
. Family. Teenagers like to talk about and participate in the plans for the whole family, such as holidays, like the things that affect them individually, as the hours to get home and the amount of their salaries. Whether you need a back surgery, your child will want to know in advance. You may want to learn more about the operation. As part of this type of family conversations, your child will feel more confident of their membership in the family.
. Sensitive issues. Families should handle sensitive issues so that it fits well with your family values. Remember to avoid these issues will not eliminate its existence. If you avoid talking with your child about tough issues, most likely he will seek this information in the media or their friends. This increases the likelihood that what you hear does not agree with their values \u200b\u200bor that the information is incorrect, or both. Sharon Sikora, Colorado high school teacher, explains that high school students share a lot of misinformation on topics that are very important. They say they know about certain sensitive topics but they really do not. Tackling a sensitive subject directly may not work, Ms. Sikora notes. "You can not sit back and say, 'Today we will talk about using marijuana." That is the most direct way to end a conversation without ever start. "
. The parents' lives, hopes and dreams. Many teens want to have a window to the world of their parents, the world past and present. How old were you when you get your ears pierced? Did you ever have a teacher who made you crazy? Did you get an allowance when you were 11? What gave you the grandparents? Did you feel sad when Grandpa died? How is your boss at work? This does not mean you should feel compelled to share all his troubles with his son. Remember you are his father, not his equal, and sometimes it's best not to respond to an indiscreet question. However, remember details of his childhood and his life today can help your child to start giving out his own life.
. The future. As adolescents' cognitive abilities are developed, they begin to think more in the future and its possibilities. Your child may want to talk more about what we can anticipate that life has to offer over the coming years, how will life after high school, work, marriage. You might ask, "How is living in a dorm room?" "How old do you have to get married?" "What are the chances that the world will explode one day?" "Will there be enough gas in the world so that I can drive a car when she's older?" These questions deserve your best guess. (And if you can not answer with certainty, these questions deserve a "Do not know" honest)
. Cultural events. live in a world saturated by media. Even young children are constantly exposed to television programs, music, movies, electronic games and other media. Do not forget that your child chooses means you can open a window into their world. For example, if you have seen the same movie (together or on their own), you may ask how you liked and what were their favorite.
cause no matter how hard it is always best answer calmly.
. Communicate with kindness and respect. Teens sometimes say or do embarrassing things or malicious, sometimes both. No matter how much cause it's always best to respond calmly. Respect and self-control that you display when talking with your child one day will yield fruit in their relationships and conversations with other people.
The way in which things are said is almost as important as what you say. "Stop picking at your face" can mourn a teenager. "Your room looks like a pigsty" is not as helpful as, "You need a little time to collect your room. It will be easier if you spend 5 minutes right now picking the clothes off the floor, putting the dirty in the hamper and hanging the clean. After lunch you can reorganize your bookshelf for another 5 minutes. "Kids pay much attention to the tone of voice you use with them. A 10-year-old can easily tell a calm voice and a voice full of courage.
Kindness goes hand in hand with respect. As explained by Joan Lipsitz, a national expert on the education of high school and mother of two adult children, "When I was an active parent and teacher, I followed a rule that developed from my experience in the classroom: "If I never intentionally cruel to you, you will not be intentionally unkind to me. " That rule proved to be the most powerful ruler ever noticed, either in the classroom, it changed the culture, or at home. "
Communicating with respect also requires not talking with young people. They are becoming more socially conscious and knowledge of the world and its events, and appreciate the thoughtful conversations. Jerri Foley, a school counselor in South Carolina, tells a story about a trip she made with a group of girls while in the state was debating whether it was appropriate to continue waving the Confederate flag from the Capitol. "We were on the road when it began a great discussion on the subject, "she recalls." Our conversation came to an intensity that we missed the exit to home. "
